I apologize for being absent. There are quite a few of things that has happened in the past year, months or so. I’ll try not to be gone too long. I have missed this. I did start writing in my journal again. I have a lot on my mind lately. A constant struggle. No matter how much I fight it, there’s one that just sits there. Waiting to be seen. Waiting for me to remember. Waiting for me to notice. Watching me cry. So let me tell you a short story.
Back in August 2013, I met this guy. Well, I met him through a friend. It wasn’t long before that that I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 5 years. I thought with Steve*, he was the man of my dreams, the guy I will eventually marry. It wasn’t a bad break up. It was mutual and amicable. We wished each other the best and if it’s meant to be, then our paths would cross in the future. Looking back now, while writing this, if I had known I would meet another guy, oddly enough, also named Steve*, then what I said came true. Depending how you look at it. The new Steve was older, he’s also a Respiratory Therapist like me, and he was different. In every possible way. First of all, he’s accent. The guy is from the Midwest, I guess, southern midwest if there’s such a thing. He’s such a country boy, but very nice, respectful, kind. I got to know him through text messages. Yup. For a whole week, we texted each other. We never called. Just texted. I started to like him through his words and boy was he funny! It was never a dull moment with him. What really blew both of us away is how similar we both are: goofy, great sense of humor, kind. Both of us like the same things, enjoy doing the same things and basically kind of like two peas in a pod. It was exciting to finally meet up the end of that week. We clicked right away. We had a great time. More so that we saw each other again the next day. Then we finally talked on the phone and can I say the rest is history?
But such is the irony of life….
You see, he travels for his job. A traveling RT. He was in the area for work, on a contract. After that contract, he moves to another state, place to work. He ended up going back to the West Coast to work there while I stayed in the East Coast, where I live. Officially, before he left, we decided that we were exclusively dating. It worked for awhile. Then just recently, we decided to take a break. He was working too much and he works night shift and the time difference, I think, really didn’t help either. I would stay up in the wee hours of the night waiting for his texts or phone calls. Sometimes I got them, sometimes a little, then it was nothing. Yes, I felt sad, disappointed, dejected. I had mixed emotions. I tried to make it work for a bit; I called, texted. He gave me nothing in return. His excuse was, “I’m so tired” “So exhausted”, “I can’t think right now”. Fully understandable. He works 9- 12hr shifts every 2 weeks. Who wouldn’t be tired or exhausted. I think I’ll be nonfunctional if I ever do that. So after awhile, I suggested a break. I don’t think Steve was too happy about it, but then he had no choice. I think the main fact he hasn’t been there for me made him realize why I would want a break. Besides, I need a break for my own emotional well being, for my peace of mind. I wasn’t healthy physically and emotionally. I had hope everyday that I would hear Steve’s voice or read one of his sweet texts he would send me. But when I get nothing, my mind just collapses and my heart breaks. What surprised me the most was he asked me if I would like to reconnect in the future after the break. I said ‘I do’. He replied with ‘Me too’. That was encouraging. I haven’t lost him completely….
It’s been over a week or 2 now. I deleted his phone number from my cell and unfriended him on Facebook. I don’t need that disattraction while on break. He knows. Once in a blue moon, we’d message each other on FB. Just recently, I asked him if after 2 months or so that we can try to reconnect then. He said ‘Sure’. So I’m counting the days. lol. I try not to think too much about it. For now, I’ve been doing a lot of praying. I’ve tried to keep busy with work and play, hanging out with friends. Passing the time by. I sent Steve a card and a letter a while ago. He messaged me one morning telling me he got it. He said it was so sweet and very uplifting. Let’s just say that’s who I am. I know what he’s been through. I don’t know quite what his going through. And I pray for him daily. So much so, it brings me to tears just thinking about him. Went to the store today, was browsing through the aisles and out of nowhere he pops in my head. “Oh I miss going shopping with him” was what I was thinking. Then I catch myself sniffling. I had to leave the store asap because then my eyes started watering. Before writing this, I was crying. I blamed it on allergies, but I miss him so much. All I want to ask him is does he miss me too? Does he think about me as much as I think about him? Sometimes I cry at night. looking at my phone, hoping. Then I drift off to sleep… while praying. I keep reminding myself that it is all in the Lord’s plan. If Steve and I were meant to be together in the future, God will make it happen. I have to constantly tell myself that God’s timing is ever so perfect. Whereas men’s timing is short lived. God’s plan is way bigger than what my mere human mind can think up. Isn’t much more better if I leave all the details to Him?
I almost forgot to mention that Steve and I belong in 2 different denominations. I’m an Adventist and he’s a Pentacostal. We have talked about church, children and even marriage in the past. But one big difference is the church. We both are in agreement about not forcing the other to convert. But I will have to tell him though I won’t marry anyone that isn’t Adventist. It’s hard to explain from here. It has to be shown. Although, I am open to trying to work it out. I hope he does to, but who knows. Like I said, I’ll leave it all in God’s timing.
He gave me this music box statue for Christmas last year and a little stuffed dog for Valentine’s Day back in February, I keep it next to me in bed. When I look at the two, it makes me smile. And that’s the best feeling in the world. To know that someone loves you, to think of you as someone special. ‘Faith. Hope. Love’ is this print I found on one of the pins on Pinterest. That led me to writing this today. It reminded me of the verses in the Bible:
13 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Faith that God will work it out for my best interest, for our best interest, even if we don’t end up together. For God knows us more than we know ourselves.
Hope that one day I will see Steve again and will bask in his arms around me.
And love. What can I say about love. “Love never fails… love endures all things…”
I love you Steve. More than you’ll ever know.
xoxo
*Steve is not their real name. The name has been changed to protect the innocent. And yes, if you haven’t caught on, my ex’s name and the current guy’s name is the same. LOL. Irony of life…
In pursuit of dreams 